Messages from the Afterlife

Feels like I'm watching my own corpse float downstream on the Ganga...

Which, under normal circumstances is highly unlikely, given that I'm not a religious man, and the corpse eating, flesh ripping carnivorous crabs, that do such a good job of clearing the river of the dead, would probably throw up and reject my impure sinner-body after a few bites of their first course...

But the person currently doing the dance of death? Nope, that there is a pure-hearted, clean minded, hardworking ol' thing who was closer to me than several of my family members, and taught me more than all my college professors combined into one giant 'super professor'...
(I have GOT to quit watching that Gundam thing...)

I am referring, of course, to my ADSL Modem, whose parents at MTNL chose not to name. This was of course, rectified when I saw it work, and my first reaction at surfing the net at 200kbps (compared to a shitty 64), was to christen that piece of pristine white plastic- 'Speedy'...

In all fairness. there were faster modems out there, also bigger, better, whiter, noisier!...but I didn't care. Maintaining a steady packet flow, be it noon or night, together we surfed the internet like Goerge Freeth on 30ft- Hawaiian waves.

Good Times...Goooood times...

But alas, with high speeds come high bills, and it was soon high time that I started studying...seriously...

and so, Speedy is to pass on, to the great big server in the sky, a resting place until he gets his next life, who knows where...

It's hard, I tell you...it's pretty fucking hard to let go of something that has done so much, and asked for so little in return...(except for maybe, an occasional dusting, which is something I've always denied it...)

So Its hard not to take it badly when MTNL asks me to turn in ol' Speedy, personally, at their office, before my internet connection is officially...well..disconnected.

It feels like I just pulled the plug on my Twin Brother's Life Support system, after which the Coroner hands me a goddamn SHOVEL and asks me to bury him myself...

And so, a part of me dies, cannibalized by the part of me that studies and gets yelled at my authority figures...(Sheesh, talk about internal struggles..)

It seems that the (hopefully) somewhat distinguished life of the Unwilling Somaiyaite comes to a pretty untimely end...But fret not (though I don't think any fretting is in progress...) if situations and occasions turn particularly exceptional, I may blog about something that affects me profoundly and makes me wanna yak about it to no one in particular...and send you messages from my permanent adress at the corner of Internet hell...

Which happens like, once every few weeks...

SRK should be available in Liquid form...

...So that every man, woman and child can take an SRK injection. That way, he won't feel the need to plague our senses by parading on every channel on TV, and we might just end up watching something that doesn't contain him.


Sports Channels?- Ever since he bought himself an IPL team
Music Channels- He's come out with Cassettes and CD's of his IPL team's Theme song.
News Channels- When nothing even vaguely or remotely interesting has happened in the film industry. (i.e.- Every Other Day)
Entertainment channel- With his shameless rip off of the '5th Grader' game show genre.
Movie Channels- Do I even need to elaborate?

Of course, This does not include the several thousand times he appears on TV for Advertising and Endorsements.

It seems obvious that SRK has gained/invented/discovered the power of Omnipresence, much to the dismay of the entertainment starved populace.

Dear Mr. Khan....I just want to say, there are some things that Humans just weren't meant to have. And this is one thing YOU just aren't supposed to have. It's morally wrong, and as you know, it's illegal, what with the Laws of Physics and all.

Give it up, dude. Give it up.

Where Movie Merchandising goes horribly wrong...

Thats when you find-

Pirates Of The Caribbean-Jack Sparrow Deodarant spray.-

I shit you not, this is something I saw at my neighborhood supermarket and laughed my head off at, Much to the surprise and shock of innocent bystanders, who were further puzzled when I tried to take a picture of it on my camera phone (Which came out blurred...darn, you'll have to make do by looking for it on google.). They probably thought I was a professional shoplifter adding things to my 'hit-list' or something.

But back to the point, this is an example of A Movie Tie-Up that makes no sense. Because Pirates were the kind of people who bathed rarely, and by rarely, I mean once every few years. Their aroma is the kind expected of the average Scurvy Cur who hasn't changed his underwear since he was five, and who's been stewing in salt water and sweat in the same set of clothes for over three years. 'Pungent' would be an Understatement. 'Putrid' Would be more accurate.
'Fucking crazy' would be a person who would actually want to smell like that.

Oh, and the real kicker is the fine print at the bottom of the can which says '100% Alcohol free'.
Would Jack Sparrow, a character who's most fondly remembered line is, 'But Why is the Rum Gone?', approve?
Quite clearly, Hell No.

Worth a laugh, though.

Out Of The Blue- Fashionable Ignorance

I have deviated from writing about Somaiya and it's Slip Ups on several past occasions. And I Intend to do so a lot more. Just for the hell of it, and don't give me that crap about false advertising unless you want some about freedom of speech. I will however, alert you by adding the phrase 'Out Of The Blue' in the title, to specify that it is a semi-meaningless post filled with crap collected from the seventh ring of Hell. Don't say I didn't warn you

I hate ass baring low rider jeans. With a vengeance.

I hate T shirts with moronic messages like 'Pull me out from the inside' or 'Free Hand lotion, pull below'.

I hate wannabes who take the time to adjust their (much hated) Low rider pants to let the fake brand name 'Jaakey' peek out.

It's about as smart as a Flashlight Shotgun And it makes me happy as a lark to be blissfully unaware about fashionable crap.

But, as a fashionably ignorant nerd, (and proud of it) there are a few things I wish were in fashion.

For instance, T shirts like the ones worn by this lady here.
(Watching 'A Good year' is very bearable when you have bits like this to encourage you)

Now, am I the only person who thinks that kicks ass? Low rider pants? Naah, do one step further and get Low rider, Off-shoulder T-shirts....I think Gucci actually makes em too!

E.V.S. Randomness

Scene: Exam Hall 10 minutes before the E.V.S. exam.

Me: So...What's the portion?

G. : Ahh...You know...Pollution, Major Environmental Issues, Disasters...that kinda thing...

Me: Oh...so...didja study for it?

*Awkward pause, Followed by the laughter of everyone, including me...*

Yeah, Right, like thats gonna happen...

I support the move Of the Maharashtra Board Of Education, to make E.V.S. Compulsory...
After the absorption of large amounts of perfectly irrelevant trivia under the guise of Secondary Education in the 10th std. board exam, I believe that The inclusion of E.V.S. is a great way to develop a skill that comes in handy in everyday Life- The Art Of Bullshit

The best way to make people believe that you are smarter than you actually are...

Looking at the average E.V.S answer sheet, you can see that even if the student might know only one point out of the required four, by twisting and turning the words of the limited information he has, he can make it into as many points as he feels like...

Thus, very few people look through the textbook...and end up having Random conversations about the portion...

Eg:

What to do In case Of a Natural Disaster?

• Move away from the centre of the Disaster, as quickly as possible, to minimize risk to life and limb.
• Run away
• Travel far away from the area of major impact
• Haul your ass the hell outta there...
• In case of Flood, swim Away
• In case of Fire, move quickly towards flood prone area.
• In case Of Fire On The Mountain, run, Run, RUN!
• In case of Toxic Fume Poisoning, do not breathe in.
  
• Curl up in a fetal position and wait for your inevitable destruction, while hoping and praying that it will be swift and painless...though it probably won't be...
• etc, etc...

And some people have strange answers to straightforward questions-

State True Or False

...2)The INSTRUMENT used in measuring Earthquake intensity is the Richter Scale...

A Large number of people said 'True', and argued vehemently about it's being correct...

(The simple explanation is that saying this is 'True' is like saying you measure speed with a 'meteres per second'...)

And the others had to make them see the light of reason by explaining that The Richter scale s NOT some sort of foot-ruler that you stick into earthquake prone area to get a reading...

But the one which takes the cake is the opening line to an answer given by a Commerce student sitting next to me-

Q5
iii) Explain Water Pollution.

Ans. Water pollution is made in water...

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I'll be as free as a bird in a cage with clipped wings as soon as the exams are over. I solemnly swear to update on a regular basis from then.

Chemistry Practicals using Acidic Bases...

'Right, so when you put acid in with base, you get salt and water, and because of the indicator, it changes colour to pink, and thats a sign to stop adding base and measure the liquid levels...'

Titration/Volumetric Analysis, call it what you want, it's easy money...

Except if your Lab Assistant is a complete and utter Screw-up...

I had my practical exams on Friday, Chemistry is just plain simple, because board rules allow the use of the manual during the exam...sort of an Open-book test...

So I got a Titration experiment, find the normality, HCl, NaOH, Yada-Yada-Yada...The usual...

But what was just friggin unusual was when I emptied a burette-full of base into the acid and still couldn't see a color change...
I checked it, double checked it, then decided that it must be a problem with the indicator...I look at my Phenolptalein bottle, and see a piece of chalk floating around...

So I nicked myself another bottle, only to have the same result...

Then I realize that the dude had given me Acid in both beakers, some idiot had filled it into a beaker marked 'base' and then handed it to me, both are colourless, low concentration solutions, and look exactly the same...I go up to the teacher with this, and he doesn't believe me...

His test to see if I'm right? He puts it on his hand...

Yeah...no joke...apparently acid burns differently than base...I can't tell, myself, seeing that I never tried it...He seemingly has a lotta experience with such retarded behaviour...

Blog damn it!

Unfortunately, certain people around me now know that I maintain a blog...

And now, not one single, mundane, boring-ass, everyday event can occur without some smart ass Spaz saying 'Aw, dude, you gotta put this on your blog!'

I mean-

*In College*

Spaz: Hey, that chick is always hanging out with guys! Dude, you should write about it on your blog!

Me: -_- ...No

*In an Electronics Lecture*

Spaz: Oh man, is Sir pulling his cell phone out from under his shirt?

Me: Yes, just like he did yesterday...

Spaz:Hey, write about it in your blog!

Me: Ah?um...no, it was funny the last time, but now it's just disgusting...

Spaz: Ah? ya na, thats why it's funny na! hey put it, ok, put it when you reach home today...

Me: No...

*In the Chemistry Lab*

Spaz: Hey look at that! Her hair's on fire! just like last week!Woo Hoo! look at her run!

Me: I am NOT writing about...

Spaz: Why don'tcha write about THAT on your blog!

Me: AARGH!!!!! -_-***